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At the very beginning of a relationship, it's easy to love another. We are still very curious about each other and the couple is growing every day. But at some point, it's inevitable, obstacles come to test our love. Couples therapists discuss below seven major obstacles that every couple faces, and give us some tips to overcome them.
1. He or she will not be able to take on all roles
We expect a lot from him or her: whether he or she is our soul mate, our best friend, our sexual partner, our parental pair, that he or she offers us a critical eye, we advises on our finances and our career. But the truth is, it's nearly impossible for a human to perform all of these functions, according to St. Louis-based therapist Angela Skurtu.
“Different people can meet these needs, including yourself,” she says. “If you're an extrovert and married to an introvert, for example, chances are you need a few friends in addition to your boyfriend or girlfriend. That doesn't mean you can't date, but that you have to find another way to satisfy your need for extroversion. "
2. Your phone will interfere with your relationship
At the start of a relationship, your phone is a welcome go-between: you text each other all night, and send each other cute emojis with hearts during the day. But the more time passes, the more your smartphone can disrupt communication, explains Andrea Wachter, a psychotherapist based in Northern California.
“In a culture where everything goes very fast and you are always connected, it's very easy to lose the connection you had with each other when you first started a relationship,” she adds.
To show your significant other that one-on-one time is more important to you than screen time, surprise them to put your phone away and offer them a disconnected conversation.
“Really focus on what he or she has to say,” she advises. “Remember that if what he or she is saying is important enough for him or her to tell you, it deserves your fullest attention.”
3. It won't always be great in bed
Prepare for some dull uptowns at some point in your relationship: desire-related changes, incompatible schedules or too busy schedules, it is normal for sex life to take a back seat. after a while. To overcome this depression in the intimate sphere, Dr. Wachter advises couples to focus on touching, even if that doesn't necessarily lead to hot lovemaking.
According to her, “the lack of privacy often reflects the presence of more serious problems. Couples need to stop seeing physical love as the ultimate goal and approach things in a simpler way, such as holding hands, kissing or giving each other massages. The more you treat the other like a friend whom you take the time to know in all aspects, the more likely it is to rekindle the fire between you. "
4. You will not be able to complete all of your #goalscouples
Surely you got into this relationship with a lot of preconceptions about love: you never thought you would spend three nights apart, like your parents, or you hoped to know like the back of your hand. the language in love with the other.
Even having goals in your relationship is a good thing, it is also likely that some of them cannot be met, according to Laurel Steinberg, sex therapist, dating specialist and assistant professor of psychology at the university. from Columbia.
But look on the bright side: on a few points, your relationship is likely to exceed some of your expectations. “You just have to keep your expectations on the side of desire and not need,” she advises.
5. He or she will not get rid of his or her bad habits.
You freaked out the first time she spent the night in your house and left hair in the shower. In an ideal world, you would politely point it out to her once or twice and she would correct it right away. But we don't live in an ideal world. Loving your partner also means accepting bad habits, according to Stephanie Buehler, psychologist and sex therapist in Southern California. To illustrate her point, she uses an example from her personal life:
"My husband, to whom I said yes thirty years ago, often eats a banana in the morning and throws the skin in the sink. Even though he trained me to put my used tea bags in the trash and not in the sink because it drove him crazy, he does the same with his banana peel. This is where love comes in, just like compassion. It must be hard for my husband to remember to put his skin in the trash. I have compassion for him. I love it. So I keep reminding him of that, but I also take care of the banana peel for him. This is also marriage."
6. Money problems will come between you
The Beatles were wrong when they sang “All you need is love”. One must also be able to navigate the turbulent waters of the couple's finances, says Amanda Deverich, marriage and family specialist based in Williamsburg, Virginia.
“From what I've seen, money anxieties are one of the main causes of depression in men, and depression often leads to estrangement in a relationship while making things harder to resolve. "
To deal with money-related stressors, face problems together and solve them as you go, she suggests. “If you don't, one of you will become responsible for the finances, and the imbalance created by this will itself cause resentment and distance.”
7. Monogamy will sometimes be a source of tension
Staying true is difficult. You will inevitably feel attracted to other people, you will wonder if you did the right thing to engage with a single man or a single woman, and it is quite likely that one or both of you , be tempted by a romantic or sexual adventure. Infidelity is less rare than you think, says Dr Buehler.
However, it is important to remember that monogamy, while difficult, is definitely worth it. As long as that's what you both want.
“Talk about it frankly, because it’s a restrictive and probably unnatural choice,” concludes Dr Buehler. “But driving to work every morning is also unnatural, and yet we do it anyway because, like monogamy, it has its advantages.”
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